Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
