so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
