Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
