Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Randomize
