I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
