You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize
