Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i will never coherently bang her
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
