I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Randomize
