im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
