I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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