In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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