I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
