sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
