Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
