Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
