Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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