I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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