you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
