I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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