K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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