that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
