i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
