oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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