Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
