Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
