We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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