i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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