Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
