it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Randomize