Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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