Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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