pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
sick fucks of a feather flock together
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
