apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize