We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
