What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
