Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
