The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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