So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
