Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
