Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
