It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
