its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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