just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
