His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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