yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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