If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
