Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Your cock deserves a montage
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
