THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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