True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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