Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
