Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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