First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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