My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
