Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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