You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
