Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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