Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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