i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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