I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
