i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize