I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
